Lifestyle Content 001

A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Cobble Hill to Bushwick

Bro I love this content. I could watch Tiktoks of beautiful girls in Cary North Carolina driving around drinking protein coffee and going to Ulta Beauty all day. There but for the grace of my gay chungus girlboss nun life go I. Here’s my version, based on my recent trip to New York. Eight pieces of lifestyle content.

1. Lip combo

Hot girls these days are always talking about “lip combos.” Sarah Beth Spraggins says I need to stop counting myself out of the “hot girl” circuit, which is very nice of her, but I think we all know there’s a difference between a hot girl and a “hot girl.” “Hot girls” know about lip combos. And now so do I. My lip combo of choice suits my true summer color palette and consists of Makeup Forever’s “Anywhere Caffeine” lip liner smudged out (cupid’s bow intact, as per Sarah Beth’s guidance) with a glooooopy layer of Eadem’s Le Chouchou lip balm in “Fig Sauce” on top.

2. Sexy wine bar

Do you know how delicious it feels to sit down at a candlelit natural wine bar deep in Peter Dinklage’s Cobble Hill — I’ve said this so many times I’m annoying even myself — just to take off your enormous blazer, order an $18 glass of orange wine and a $16 plate of tinned fish and bread, and crack open the new Ben Lerner (which I haven’t bought or read, I’m just imagining what it would feel like). Feels like sex. Or so I imagine.

3. Going to Bushwick readings

I went to sort of the archetypal Bushwick reading, like what you might picture in your head when you think of a literary reading at a dive bar in Bushwick. A lot of naughty and transgressive things were said! A lot of MFA-voice too. I wrote a tweet that I didn’t post that went like this: “Bushwick readings be like. My pussy. My nipple. My ass.” Sorry for the language. That’s why I didn’t tweet it. I was thankful to be there.

4. Weird art

I walked into a cafe - Tawny - in the Lower East Side, immediately taken by the mottled walls, strange art, grand piano, gelato, red lights, Lynchian music…. the bartenders were extremely charming and convinced me to play Texas hold ‘em with them with fake money. We discussed free will and non-duality and Hildegard of Bingen. I felt sleepy in there, which was a good sign.

5. Wearing the silhouette du jour

I’ve been making the acquaintance of numerous men who share the same characteristics. It’s eerie. It thrills me. They always live in Clinton Hill or Crown Heights, they wear multiple silver rings (no more than three), they have an earring in the non-gay ear, but I always think they are gay when I meet them (they are actually straight or fake bisexual [made out with a guy once]), they lived either in Berlin or an obscure European city, they studied political theory, and they have extremely evolved taste in music. When I wear this shapeless funnel neck jacket with huge pants, I feel current, vital, and fresh. When I wear this shapeless funnel neck jacket with huge pants, I feel like I could bag a man like that. And domesticate him.

6. Eating the rainbow

This is the bedrock of my lifestyle. No matter what happens, I can return to my rainbowmaxxing, fibermaxxing, proteinmaxxing diet. The core components are eggs, salmon, blueberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, spinach, Japanese sweet potato, cannelini beans, greek yogurt, ground turkey, walnuts, feta, peanut butter, chia seeds, pumpkin seeds, bananas, and cold brew.

7. Embracing my vibe

Here’s the thing. That’s me. The best part of being 32 is you can just be like yeah. that’s me…. Also I would like to take this opportunity to tell you all that I have been doing pilates regularly.

8. Date science

They’re doing incredible things with dates online. Here’s what I learned. You flatten out a date between two pieces of parchment paper using the bottom of a jar or a rolling pin. Then you spread some crunchy peanut butter on top, and melted dark chocolate on top of that, and walnuts and salt sprinkled on top, and then you freeze them for an hour or two and eat them and they taste like Snickers!

Speaking of dates I really want to tell you guys about the insanely bad dates I’ve been on but that’s gauche and mean and it will probably lower the chances of me finding true love. One day if I ever get married I’ll anonymize and scramble the details and write a tell-all.

Okay that’s it! Let me know if this works for you or if you’d prefer that I keep writing about God or morality or WBE and that I shut up about the rest. I’ll write about what I want to regardless but don’t say I didn’t give you the floor.