The Types of Guests I Don’t Invite Back

And all the types I do

From my recent aperitivo and martini party

I host a lot. It’s pathological. I am compelled to host at least once a month by some strong, cleansing force outside my own will. It is a very good force because it helps draw me out of my preoccupations and neuroses and into the greater wide world, requiring me to mix martinis and whisk away clutter and ask, “can I get you anything” and “try the pickles they’re delicious.” All good for me, good for the community, good for society at large etcetera.

But, as I lock the door behind the last guest and put away the lingering dishes, I inevitably find the dust of my mind settling and my interior eye turning from empty glasses to an in-depth evaluation of the evening. A return to form in the form of an involuntary assessment. What went right, what went wrong and what to do about it next time. This post-game analysis has served me well, as I have learned over the course of many, many cocktail hours and eight-person dinners that nothing matters more to a party than the composition of its attendants. It is absolutely crucial that you invite a maximum number of the right people, and none¹ of the wrong ones. Call me a calculating snob all you like, but if you live enough life as I have, you’ll learn that hosting is an orchestral art and high standards are the only way to sustain a spirit of true hospitality.

Find an enumeration of both types below, and note that one person can inhabit multiple roles at different times:

The types of guests I always invite back…

• The unrepentant gossip
  Who doesn’t love chisme? No one I want to be around. I need to know what happened, why, and to whom. And I love people who will tell me. Nothing worse than someone who refuses to indulge. No fun to have to assuage a guilty gossip either. It’s purely prosocial, not malicious.

• The good question asker
  The other day I overheard two people having a “conversation.” It was more of an exchange of declarative statements than anything resembling true discourse. First one person would say something about themselves, then the other would reply with a statement about his own life. Neither party seemed upset by this exchange, but I left deeply disturbed. The very best guests are the generous conversationalists, authentically curious about their fellow man or woman and always armed with an open-ended question and follow-ups.

• The provocatrix
  Similar to the gossip, the provocatrix knows exactly when and how to stir the pot. Whether it’s instigating a game of truth or dare, telling a sordid story from their own past, or asking the one question that will get everyone in the room arguing, the provocatrix plays a vital role in the party ecosystem by never letting anything get too boring. It’s a value-add if she (or he) has a light touch, but I certainly wouldn’t say it’s necessary.